Maybe (Much) Later

Potty training... It was my new year's resolution. Anyone who asked got an excited high five as I yelled it out, loud and proud. I was prepared. I was determined. I was not to be discouraged. I was so stupid.

Many books and internet chats have been devoted to the topic. I've read them all. So many more experienced mothers encouraged us novices to wait until a child's third birthday. "You'll save yourself much heartache and grief", they all warned. Still other's laid out full lists of "ready signs". Signs that my babies *sorta* have.

And it's not that I'm sick of diapers. It's just that this girl at church had to go and tell me about how her son had now finished potty training. I heard all about how her lovely just-turned-two-year-old had his first couple of dry days. How wonderful for her.

It was like this challenge. Something came over me. I can't describe it. I felt like I was behind the ball. Like I just lost some points in the Mothering Olympics. I then read this one article that shared your child may not be ready until as late as 24 months. AS LATE AS 24 MONTHS?? My babies are already 30 months! They're practically teenagers!

That was it. I can't hide from a challenge. I ran to Target and stocked up on these new Pull Ups that get cold when you pee in them. Genius. Flushable wet wipes - we'll need 3 packs of those - and batteries for the little potty -- we're practically half way done now!

Ok, here was my carefully laid out plan. For a couple of days, anytime I needed to do my business, I yelled out to the babies in my most excited voice, "Mommy has to go potty!!!!". This caused much merriment as the babies rushed from whatever they were doing to escort me to the bathroom. I carefully explained what was going on as my small audience clapped, giggled and cheered with glee. There was a little fighting over who got to flush and then more encouragement for Mommy, "Yay! Good job!!!"

3 days of exhibitionism were long enough - it was time for the babies to do this thing. I brought home McDonald's breakfast complete with large orange juices, got the babies hash browns and salty chips (I know, all values out the window here) and released the diapers!

I spend a full hour staring at babies private parts - waiting for something to happen. My thought was to catch them peeing, throw them on the potty so they could finish in the potty and then instantly reward the job well done with a delicious and motivating M&M.

The problem with this part of the plan was that I had not researched it before hand. I had really never actually seen the babies pee. I just changed their diapers when it magically appeared. I soon found out that my son pee's for exactly 2 seconds from start to finish. Major flaw.

Let me set the scene for you... I'm sitting in a room with two naked children - all exits are blocked - I'm watching, waiting. An hour goes by - I start encouraging drinking games. Ok that was embarrassing to admit. Anyway - back to the story. David goes off in a corner and all of a sudden he's peeing. I am stealth. David is scooped up and put on the potty in a move so fast we were invisible. He's done. No pee actually hit the potty. He's staring at me like I'm insane. He has no idea that he even just peed.

I'm over it. Ok, time for plan B - the special Pull Ups that get cold when you pee in them. This follows the logic that if diapers are uncomfortable - the kids will no longer want to wear them and, therefore, naturally and quickly learn to use the potty. I have no way of knowing if they even felt any cold sensation - they wore those things all day - Ava napped in hers. I'm sure they thought it was strange that their privates got cold when they peed - but I never heard anything about it. Ava even cried when I took hers off because they had princesses on them.

I bought a new pack of diapers yesterday. We'll try again when they're three.